Solar-powered address lights

Every home should have one. Nothing annoys a delivery driver more than when he can't spot your house number during a delivery. Then at night, you guys don't have a light on for us to see anything. Make your local delivery guys happy by picking up one of these babies at smarthome.com.

Don't be cheap, don't even think. Just do it. If you must refrain from making this purchase, then please go to Home Depot and buy some house numbers and put it somewhere thats easily visible. Don't forget to turn the lights on at night when you're expecting a delivery.

A decade of service

Almost there. Ten years have past and I finally see the finish line ahead. Soon, I will no longer be delivering chinese food. People can no longer say "Its the Chinese", "Its the chinese food", "The chinese food delivery guy", "The guy from China is here".....blah blah blah. Everytime I hear these phrases I get fantasies of Grand Theft Auto. If I could do everything I could do in the video game to these people...

I get a tingle every time I think of going off on these mofo's GTA style for giving me grief or not leaving a proper tip:


Speaking of video games...the industry has really evolved over the past 10 years. They've got games covering almost everything imaginable (Playboy, 50 cent, Legos, etc). I say almost because there has yet to be a game dedicated to the delivery guy. (Paperboy doesn't cut it).

Alright, so who do I send this great idea to? its bound to make lots of $$$. Every delivery dude or dudette from Dominos, Pizza hut, Papa John's, Chinese food delivery men around the world.....we'd all get this game to live out our fantasies.


I know you can't see the comic...go here to see it:
http://www.penny-arcade.com/images/2005/20050119l.jpg

Alright...its starting to annoy me. What makes these people think I have a credit card machine attached to my hip? Its been raining all day, and I'm soaking wet. Its just before 7PM, and everybody wants dinner around this time. I didn't let the weather or the wet jeans affect me. I cheerfully said "HI!" and asked for money. A second later I see this young lady holding a credit card. Red flags are rushing through my mind at this point and disappointment is upon me. I asked if she requested to have this order charged to her credit card. She says "No, but I asked the lady and she said I could use my credit card for deliveries if I wanted to." I explained to her in the nicest way possible without words that we don't do credit cards unless you specifically say you want to use it. I gave her the simplest "WTF! does it look like I have a machine attached to my body with a wire hooked up to the telephone poles?!". A few more "WTF" looks later and several "I can't believe you think I can do this" hand gestures later and she got the point. She says she doesn't have any money. It was $19.20. She then says again she doesn't have any money and goes off inside just to come back quickly with a $20 bill and apologizes for not giving me a tip. Pshhhhhhh! Whatever. Either she was extremely stupid or she just went through a stupid act to avoid tipping me in the pouring rain.

At least the other people that didn't tip me were up front about it and said something like "This is all I've got for the rest of the week". Its all BS. But its all good...I won't be the chinese delivery guy much longer.

Don't go here unless you wanna get jipped out of a tip:

Things that make you say WTF!?

Been reading tipthepizzaguy.com stories lately. I can totally relate. A common occurance with other delivery drivers is that they see the weirdest things. This prompts me to list all the crazy shit I've seen or experienced over the past 10 years:

- A secret porn star. She must've been one. Always takes 5 minutes to get downstairs to the door. No lights are EVER on. Always comes down in a silk robe with nothing underneath. Yeah, she's into Internet porn or something.

- A real porn star. Well, just a stripper. Delivered to a hispanic bar in the dirty section of town. Saw some middle aged women nude on stage.

- Drunks. Lots of them. At least they tip well!

- Punks. Lots of them too. One of my first deliveries when I began doing this 10 years ago was to this apartment. I walked up the stairs, saw a bunch of open beer cans on the coffee table, and these kids sitting around, smoking and having a good time. In the other room, I could hear one of their buddies having an even better time with what sounded like a young girl. (yes, you can tell she was young by the sound...really!). It was definitely not the tv I heard. They asked if I wanted to come in and have some fun too. I declined.

- Some retard at a used car lot. He was showing some customer a used acura integra. It was a stick shift and the salesman was showing off the automatic car starter. Many people don't put car starters in stick shifts cause bad things can happen if you're not careful. Anyways, the car was parked in his lot, near the sidewalk. The idiot pressed the button with out checking the car to see if it was in gear....the integra ended up on the other side of the street. Sucker!

- 2 huge freaking dogs. They were more like the size of baby bears. Didn't think they made dogs that big. Anyways, the owner feeds them chinese food. Great.

- Being bit by a dog. F'ing dog wouldn't shut up. Ever since I hit that door bell he wanted a piece of me. The owner held the bitch back, but it eventually got loose and took a small nibble. No big deal...should've done a Kerpal and kicked the little bastard.

- Young woman half nude. She was expecting her boyfriend to show up first so she was half nude. Sometimes being early really does have its benefits.

- Delivering to porn shops. Got lots of dirty dollar bills from them. Yuck.

You Better Watch Out!

There's a new service online that allows us to view any address on a map...the thing is, its a real image of the house on the map! Please see left for an example.

Anyways, now I can actually show you guys the houses of the people that pisses me off each week. I never revealed anyones address before and don't think I ever will. At least now you guys can see what I'm talking about.

Has anyone else made good use of the local.live.com site? Its a pretty neat service and looks like its being offered by the neat folks at MSN. Can you imagine what this tool will do for real estate once its rolled out to the rest of the country? Currently, only a few select markets has this "birds eye view" feature where an actual photograph is available.

Black and White

What bothered me over this weekend was a delivery 2 blocks from the restaurant to a small hotel...or hostel, as they call it. (WTF is a HOStel anyways!?). So I get there and its for the dude at the front desk, only problem is, he wasn't there when I got there. Its not like I went straight to him either, I did some other deliveries first.

I arrive and no one even greets me. There were two ladies there, one was white and the other was black, or for the uber sensitive, the other was african american. The black lady was like F*ck! I can't believe he left without leaving us money for the delivery. After 2 minutes of pondering what to do, she asked the white lady if she had any money, she didn't. Then the black lady looks in her bag, which fits a regular sized sneaker at most. She looks through that thing for maybe 3 minutes looking for money. Here's my first gripe, why the heck is it taking so long to look for $12.85? Either you got it or you don't!

She finally pulls out some cash, and then starts counting them. There was a 5 dollar bill and some singles. She counts it 2 times very slowly, then looks in her bag again for 2 minutes, then counts the money again for 1 minute and was complaining again about how she couldn't believe the dude didn't leave them money.

This is all happening while both ladies are sitting down. They didn't get up once yet. Meanwhile, the white lady finally opens her mouth again and says just take some money from the evelope in that draw to pay the man first. (Finally, someone with common sense! Super delayed common sense, but some sense none the less.) The white lady, who has a cast on her left leg gets up, walks 2 feet over to the black lady who is sitting at the desk, opens the draw thats right infront of the black lady and says look in there.

The white lady turns around and made her way back to her seat. The black lady then looks through that money, takes out whatever she needed to combine with her money to equal $14 (yeah! a tip! surprisingly.) Once she had the money in her hand, she did the dumbest thing...she started thinking about how much money she took out of her bag to give to me, and how much was from the evelope.

She was working those numbers in her head. Thats some serious number crunching without using her fingers and toes. What a retard.

Anyways, another minute or so passes by and I said "So do you guys have the money or not!?". I'm ignored. Few seconds go by and the black lady was like "Here, take this money and give it to the man. I can't believe he didn't leave us money. I'm going to kill him!".

Oh geez...shut the fuck up!!! Stop asking the cripled lady to get up and give me the money you lazy fuck. Quit your whining, too. It took you like 5 minutes to figure out that you didn't have 7 dollars in your bag, then another 3 minutes to count that money to ensure its 7 dollars, then another few minutes to figure out how much money you needed to borrow from the hotel to pay me $14. I think these two gals deserve the Dumb and Dumber award.

I just wanna go home!

Because I work a full time job on the weekdays, I hate it when I get last minute delivery orders just before I leave from work each sunday evening. I leave at 10PM. If the phone rings anytime after 9:45 for a delivery, it upsets me. By the time the food is done cooking, and I go out for the delivery, come back to the restaurant to take care of the money, I don't get to leave till about 10:15ish or later. Then I get home around 11PM cause I live pretty far away.

This happened to me lastnight, again. 9:50 and calls are still coming in. I got home late, slept late, and now got a headache at work. I probably wouldn't be writing this post if the lady tipped me. The order was I think $12.70. Lady gave me a $20 bill. She had absolutely no intentions of tipping me. I said I don't have the coins, can I give you $7? She said ok, and thanked me and closed the door.

30 cents for an afterhours delivery. I could've been well on my way home, but no. I had to bring food to her so she wouldn't have to do the unthinkable -- Drive to the restaurant! If you haven't already done so, please click on the link towards the upper right corner of this site. There resides a link to my theme song. Its a bud light real men of genius thing. Its funny, and I totally relate to it. The song was made for me.

Elmo makes $400 a day on tips!

Did anyone else catch that story out of LA where an Elmo impersonator was arrested for harassing customers for tips? What happened was these impersonators would stand outside of tourist attractions and pose for and with tourists. Many people think this sort of thing is free. However, if Elmo doesn't get paid, he gets pissed. Three impersonators got arrested for scaring tourists away from famous landmarks.

I find this story funny as I am in a similar profession. Both Elmo and I believe that when a service is provided, a tip should be awarded. Although I said we're in a similar profession where we provide a service, there is definitely a difference in what I do and what Elmo does. But geez, $400 a day is insane! I'd do it!

Read the full story here.