The Don'ts of Delivery

Violate any of these conditions and forever be last in our chain of delivery. You will have to wait the full estimated time for delivery. Your order will arrive messy as if it was delivered from a dump truck.

1. Do not take your time to open the door.
2. Do not expect us to bring the food up stairs if you live in a complex or apartment building. Its delivery...that means we bring it to the front door of your residence...not into your living room, not into your dining room. Most of you fuckers leave the lights off in the stairway. Otherwise, we'd be nice and bring it up to your door from time to time.
3. Do not ask for change if the change is less than $1. We did provide a service...throw us a freakin' bone will'ya?
4. Do not send your children down to open the door and give us money just so we'd have to give them all of the change back and not hold it against them for not leaving us a tip. We do know that you scumbags are behind this cheap way of avoiding a tip. Believe me, we curse at you so much and make a mental note of this. You suck.
5. Do not prepare money after we tell you how much it costs. You should've had this ready...and if not, we shouldn't have to wait around while you and your 5 buddies sort out the exact breakdown of each person's portion of the bill.
6. Do not ask us to go around back to meet you. Delivery guys hate going to the back. You should meet us out front. If anything you should look into investing in a front door. Home Depot, you can do it, they can help.
7. Do not ask if we can go next door to the convenience store to pick up milk, lottery, or cigarettes. Its bad enough we have to bring you food for next to nothing and put up with your non-lit house and long stairways...we do not want, nor do we need additional shit to bring over.
8. Do not take your sweet time opening the door.
9. Do not ask us to wait...we hate waiting. We had to bring the food to you and still have to wait for you?!?
10. Do not ask us if so and so is in the bag...how the fuck would I know. Get this into your head, I just deliver!