The Don'ts of Delivery

Violate any of these conditions and forever be last in our chain of delivery. You will have to wait the full estimated time for delivery. Your order will arrive messy as if it was delivered from a dump truck.

1. Do not take your time to open the door.
2. Do not expect us to bring the food up stairs if you live in a complex or apartment building. Its delivery...that means we bring it to the front door of your residence...not into your living room, not into your dining room. Most of you fuckers leave the lights off in the stairway. Otherwise, we'd be nice and bring it up to your door from time to time.
3. Do not ask for change if the change is less than $1. We did provide a service...throw us a freakin' bone will'ya?
4. Do not send your children down to open the door and give us money just so we'd have to give them all of the change back and not hold it against them for not leaving us a tip. We do know that you scumbags are behind this cheap way of avoiding a tip. Believe me, we curse at you so much and make a mental note of this. You suck.
5. Do not prepare money after we tell you how much it costs. You should've had this ready...and if not, we shouldn't have to wait around while you and your 5 buddies sort out the exact breakdown of each person's portion of the bill.
6. Do not ask us to go around back to meet you. Delivery guys hate going to the back. You should meet us out front. If anything you should look into investing in a front door. Home Depot, you can do it, they can help.
7. Do not ask if we can go next door to the convenience store to pick up milk, lottery, or cigarettes. Its bad enough we have to bring you food for next to nothing and put up with your non-lit house and long stairways...we do not want, nor do we need additional shit to bring over.
8. Do not take your sweet time opening the door.
9. Do not ask us to wait...we hate waiting. We had to bring the food to you and still have to wait for you?!?
10. Do not ask us if so and so is in the bag...how the fuck would I know. Get this into your head, I just deliver!

The Do's of Delivery

Listen up! If you want your food FRESH and HOT then these laws must be obeyed. Act appropriately and forever be in our good graces. This usually results in faster and friendlier service.

1. Do ask for the total before hanging up (and have the money ready).
2. Do leave the light on outside your front door.
3. Do let us know if your door bell doesn't work!
4. Do pick up the phone when we call because you didn't tell us your bell doesn't work.
5. Do come outside to greet us with the money promptly. We do have other orders to deliver too, you dumb motherfuckers. I hate you bastards who are on the phone and take forever to come down...thinking its just you that we need to deliver to..fuck you! (Don't call again).
6. Most importantly, do give us a tip. Its a service and we don't have to bring food to your lazy ass.
7. Do be generous with tips. A delivery charge is NOT a tip. Write that down...a delivery charge is NOT a tip you moron! We tend to remember those who treat us well, and those who don't so becareful.
8. Do let the restaurant know BEFOREHAND if you plan on using a credit card. Some people think I've got a modem on me and some how I'm hooked up to the credit card company and that I have a credit card slider...WTF!! F'ing n00bs!
9. Do restrain your pets. We may like pets, but we do not like doggie drool. And the barking....ugh!
10. During winter, do shovel and salt a path to your door.

Delivery Guy's Background

I have been delivering chinese food since 1996 for a small city just north of Boston, MA. I absolutely hate my job. Why? Because it sucks. You may think its cool and fun driving around a car all day and "just" bringing food to various houses all day...but I beg to differ! Oh shit do I differ!!

Why am I so miserable when I deliver? Because the people who call in for delivery have no idea how to treat the delivery guy, or the "delivery cycle". Lets go through the delivery cycle:

*You decide you want chinese food.
*You pick out your order (Gosh do I hate it when you call and say "Ummm...I think I want a....no, change that....give me a...Ummm....")
*We take your order down and prepare and package it for delivery.
*Delivery guy gathers orders to go out.

Here is where you callers have an opportunity to make things good or bad. Usually, or at least where I deliver, you are bad, very bad!

There are maybe 10 simple things that I'd like to ask you all to do when placing a delivery order. I will cover those in my next post.