Delivery Rules

Solar-powered address lights

2006-02-02T11:11:00.000-08:00

Every home should have one. Nothing annoys a delivery driver more than when he can't spot your house number during a delivery. Then at night, you guys don't have a light on for us to see anything. Make your local delivery guys happy by picking up one of these babies at smarthome.com.

Don't be cheap, don't even think. Just do it. If you must refrain from making this purchase, then please go to Home Depot and buy some house numbers and put it somewhere thats easily visible. Don't forget to turn the lights on at night when you're expecting a delivery.

A decade of service

2006-01-30T07:38:00.000-08:00

Almost there. Ten years have past and I finally see the finish line ahead. Soon, I will no longer be delivering chinese food. People can no longer say "Its the Chinese", "Its the chinese food", "The chinese food delivery guy", "The guy from China is here".....blah blah blah. Everytime I hear these phrases I get fantasies of Grand Theft Auto. If I could do everything I could do in the video game to these people...

I get a tingle every time I think of going off on these mofo's GTA style for giving me grief or not leaving a proper tip:

Speaking of video games...the industry has really evolved over the past 10 years. They've got games covering almost everything imaginable (Playboy, 50 cent, Legos, etc). I say almost because there has yet to be a game dedicated to the delivery guy. (Paperboy doesn't cut it).

Alright, so who do I send this great idea to? its bound to make lots of $$$. Every delivery dude or dudette from Dominos, Pizza hut, Papa John's, Chinese food delivery men around the world.....we'd all get this game to live out our fantasies.

I know you can't see the comic...go here to see it:
http://www.penny-arcade.com/images/2005/20050119l.jpg

2006-01-30T07:17:00.000-08:00

Alright...its starting to annoy me. What makes these people think I have a credit card machine attached to my hip? Its been raining all day, and I'm soaking wet. Its just before 7PM, and everybody wants dinner around this time. I didn't let the weather or the wet jeans affect me. I cheerfully said "HI!" and asked for money. A second later I see this young lady holding a credit card. Red flags are rushing through my mind at this point and disappointment is upon me. I asked if she requested to have this order charged to her credit card. She says "No, but I asked the lady and she said I could use my credit card for deliveries if I wanted to." I explained to her in the nicest way possible without words that we don't do credit cards unless you specifically say you want to use it. I gave her the simplest "WTF! does it look like I have a machine attached to my body with a wire hooked up to the telephone poles?!". A few more "WTF" looks later and several "I can't believe you think I can do this" hand gestures later and she got the point. She says she doesn't have any money. It was $19.20. She then says again she doesn't have any money and goes off inside just to come back quickly with a $20 bill and apologizes for not giving me a tip. Pshhhhhhh! Whatever. Either she was extremely stupid or she just went through a stupid act to avoid tipping me in the pouring rain.

At least the other people that didn't tip me were up front about it and said something like "This is all I've got for the rest of the week". Its all BS. But its all good...I won't be the chinese delivery guy much longer.

Don't go here unless you wanna get jipped out of a tip:

Things that make you say WTF!?

2006-01-19T07:37:00.000-08:00

Been reading tipthepizzaguy.com stories lately. I can totally relate. A common occurance with other delivery drivers is that they see the weirdest things. This prompts me to list all the crazy shit I've seen or experienced over the past 10 years:

- A secret porn star. She must've been one. Always takes 5 minutes to get downstairs to the door. No lights are EVER on. Always comes down in a silk robe with nothing underneath. Yeah, she's into Internet porn or something.

- A real porn star. Well, just a stripper. Delivered to a hispanic bar in the dirty section of town. Saw some middle aged women nude on stage.

- Drunks. Lots of them. At least they tip well!

- Punks. Lots of them too. One of my first deliveries when I began doing this 10 years ago was to this apartment. I walked up the stairs, saw a bunch of open beer cans on the coffee table, and these kids sitting around, smoking and having a good time. In the other room, I could hear one of their buddies having an even better time with what sounded like a young girl. (yes, you can tell she was young by the sound...really!). It was definitely not the tv I heard. They asked if I wanted to come in and have some fun too. I declined.

- Some retard at a used car lot. He was showing some customer a used acura integra. It was a stick shift and the salesman was showing off the automatic car starter. Many people don't put car starters in stick shifts cause bad things can happen if you're not careful. Anyways, the car was parked in his lot, near the sidewalk. The idiot pressed the button with out checking the car to see if it was in gear....the integra ended up on the other side of the street. Sucker!

- 2 huge freaking dogs. They were more like the size of baby bears. Didn't think they made dogs that big. Anyways, the owner feeds them chinese food. Great.

- Being bit by a dog. F'ing dog wouldn't shut up. Ever since I hit that door bell he wanted a piece of me. The owner held the bitch back, but it eventually got loose and took a small nibble. No big deal...should've done a Kerpal and kicked the little bastard.

- Young woman half nude. She was expecting her boyfriend to show up first so she was half nude. Sometimes being early really does have its benefits.

- Delivering to porn shops. Got lots of dirty dollar bills from them. Yuck.

You Better Watch Out!

2005-12-20T12:00:00.000-08:00

There's a new service online that allows us to view any address on a map...the thing is, its a real image of the house on the map! Please see left for an example.

Anyways, now I can actually show you guys the houses of the people that pisses me off each week. I never revealed anyones address before and don't think I ever will. At least now you guys can see what I'm talking about.

Has anyone else made good use of the local.live.com site? Its a pretty neat service and looks like its being offered by the neat folks at MSN. Can you imagine what this tool will do for real estate once its rolled out to the rest of the country? Currently, only a few select markets has this "birds eye view" feature where an actual photograph is available.

Black and White

2005-11-30T07:46:00.000-08:00

What bothered me over this weekend was a delivery 2 blocks from the restaurant to a small hotel...or hostel, as they call it. (WTF is a HOStel anyways!?). So I get there and its for the dude at the front desk, only problem is, he wasn't there when I got there. Its not like I went straight to him either, I did some other deliveries first.

I arrive and no one even greets me. There were two ladies there, one was white and the other was black, or for the uber sensitive, the other was african american. The black lady was like F*ck! I can't believe he left without leaving us money for the delivery. After 2 minutes of pondering what to do, she asked the white lady if she had any money, she didn't. Then the black lady looks in her bag, which fits a regular sized sneaker at most. She looks through that thing for maybe 3 minutes looking for money. Here's my first gripe, why the heck is it taking so long to look for $12.85? Either you got it or you don't!

She finally pulls out some cash, and then starts counting them. There was a 5 dollar bill and some singles. She counts it 2 times very slowly, then looks in her bag again for 2 minutes, then counts the money again for 1 minute and was complaining again about how she couldn't believe the dude didn't leave them money.

This is all happening while both ladies are sitting down. They didn't get up once yet. Meanwhile, the white lady finally opens her mouth again and says just take some money from the evelope in that draw to pay the man first. (Finally, someone with common sense! Super delayed common sense, but some sense none the less.) The white lady, who has a cast on her left leg gets up, walks 2 feet over to the black lady who is sitting at the desk, opens the draw thats right infront of the black lady and says look in there.

The white lady turns around and made her way back to her seat. The black lady then looks through that money, takes out whatever she needed to combine with her money to equal $14 (yeah! a tip! surprisingly.) Once she had the money in her hand, she did the dumbest thing...she started thinking about how much money she took out of her bag to give to me, and how much was from the evelope.

She was working those numbers in her head. Thats some serious number crunching without using her fingers and toes. What a retard.

Anyways, another minute or so passes by and I said "So do you guys have the money or not!?". I'm ignored. Few seconds go by and the black lady was like "Here, take this money and give it to the man. I can't believe he didn't leave us money. I'm going to kill him!".

Oh geez...shut the fuck up!!! Stop asking the cripled lady to get up and give me the money you lazy fuck. Quit your whining, too. It took you like 5 minutes to figure out that you didn't have 7 dollars in your bag, then another 3 minutes to count that money to ensure its 7 dollars, then another few minutes to figure out how much money you needed to borrow from the hotel to pay me $14. I think these two gals deserve the Dumb and Dumber award.

I just wanna go home!

2005-10-31T11:20:00.000-08:00

Because I work a full time job on the weekdays, I hate it when I get last minute delivery orders just before I leave from work each sunday evening. I leave at 10PM. If the phone rings anytime after 9:45 for a delivery, it upsets me. By the time the food is done cooking, and I go out for the delivery, come back to the restaurant to take care of the money, I don't get to leave till about 10:15ish or later. Then I get home around 11PM cause I live pretty far away.

This happened to me lastnight, again. 9:50 and calls are still coming in. I got home late, slept late, and now got a headache at work. I probably wouldn't be writing this post if the lady tipped me. The order was I think $12.70. Lady gave me a $20 bill. She had absolutely no intentions of tipping me. I said I don't have the coins, can I give you $7? She said ok, and thanked me and closed the door.

30 cents for an afterhours delivery. I could've been well on my way home, but no. I had to bring food to her so she wouldn't have to do the unthinkable -- Drive to the restaurant! If you haven't already done so, please click on the link towards the upper right corner of this site. There resides a link to my theme song. Its a bud light real men of genius thing. Its funny, and I totally relate to it. The song was made for me.

Elmo makes $400 a day on tips!

2005-10-26T06:32:00.000-07:00

Did anyone else catch that story out of LA where an Elmo impersonator was arrested for harassing customers for tips? What happened was these impersonators would stand outside of tourist attractions and pose for and with tourists. Many people think this sort of thing is free. However, if Elmo doesn't get paid, he gets pissed. Three impersonators got arrested for scaring tourists away from famous landmarks.

I find this story funny as I am in a similar profession. Both Elmo and I believe that when a service is provided, a tip should be awarded. Although I said we're in a similar profession where we provide a service, there is definitely a difference in what I do and what Elmo does. But geez, $400 a day is insane! I'd do it!

Read the full story here.

Order Cancellation

2005-10-21T08:08:00.000-07:00

Where I work, there are no fancy cash registers that print out your orders or delivery addresses. Everything is done the old fashion way - manually. Needless to say, errors can occur when you have someone writing address down on paper for you. Last week, I had a delivery for 7 Linden St. I go there, and something isn't right. The apt # listed on my slip cannot be found. No one picks up when I call the phone number listed on my slip (of course!).

I drop the order back at the restaurant. Its already taken up much of my time now. (Remember, I'm the only driver. If I'm held up, everyone's dinner is held up). Those people call the restaurant after a while to check on their order. I was told that the address does indeed exist and to go deliver it again. Fine!! I go there again, nothing. I call them again, they pick up this time. It turns out its 7 Lincoln St. I apologized and said I'll be right there. They asked if the order is still hot. I didn't mind their attitude since I understood their frustration, I guess. I told them yes, it feels hot, and asked if they want to just cancel or wait a few minutes. (I was hoping they would cancel...just a few bucks and not worth my time). Anyways, they wanted it so I had to bring it back to them.

I should scan the slip for you guys. It looked so much like Linden St the way it was written. Argh! Frustration is setting in at that point cause now it is my 3rd attempt at bringing these people their chicken chow mein and chicken chop suey. I put all my other orders aside to bring them their food....thus making everyone else wait. I figure, its our mistake, its the least we can do.

I get to Lincoln St and I see 5 Lincoln and 13 Lincoln. Where the F*** is 7?!? I call the retards up again and they were like, we're in the big driveway. I said yes, I'm in the F'ing driveway, where are you? They said to just go in the driveway, cause thats where their shithole is. Fine, go in, can't find it. Don't forget, I still got several other orders waiting.

I call them again and the woman gets even more pissy on me. She's like "forget it, I want to cancel, sorry, too long!". So lets recap. I attempted this delivery 3 times, all the while holding up every other delivery, and you cancel on me when I'm outside your f'ing door!? !@#$@#!@#@#$

I kept cool. I was like "OK!" and left. The rest of the night, I was backed up. Thanks a lot Mr & Ms 7 Lincoln St. You f**kers suck. Pick up your own chinese food then. Ungrateful @!#$%^.....@#$%@#$@#$!!!

Domino Effect

2005-09-13T06:53:00.000-07:00

Another week, another disappointing (non)tip experience. Some people are crazy to order food and give me nothing for a tip. How can you do that to someone so important as me, your delivery guy. First, you don't turn on the light at the door, so finding your house number is difficult. Then you take your time to get the door. Then you act surprised that I'm there with food in my hands. You ask how much and disappear for another 3 minutes. I'd expect you to have the money ready when you return but no, it took you 3 minutes just to grab your wallet. Now you gotta sort through your junk to find me money. Finally, you give me EXACT change with a smile, as if I should be grateful!!

Have you ever thought of what the consequences are if you ever pissed off your mailman? What about the UPS guy? The teller at the bank? Your doctor? Your mechanic? These are all people that provide a service for you. Just like a delivery guy. Lets see whats the worst that can happen. The mailman delays your mail (Or in my case, steals all my Maxims), UPS guy kicks your packages around (like the movie Ace Ventura), the teller 'accidentally' deposits your money in the wrong account, your doctor leaves a screw driver in your belly, your mechanic doesn't change your oil but still charges you (I hate when that happens!). What about the delivery guy? You know what, he could do just as bad. He could spit in your food (I wouldn't, too much work). He could eat bits and pieces of your food and you'd never know it (again, I wouldn't). He could come to your house last in his delivery route (I would, this is too easy to pass up). He could poison your food (You're such a sucker for beef teriyaki and chicken chow mein).

Anyways, no time to rant any further. I'm busy.

As Gas Prices Increase, Tips Should Increase As Well

2005-09-04T20:03:00.000-07:00

So how much did you pay for a gallon of gas today?

Its crazy. The cheapest place around charges $3.45 per freakin' gallon of premium gas. Again, thats the cheapest prices around. Other stations are charging just under $4 per gallon for premium. How the hell can these people ask us for $4 for ONE freaking gallon of gas?!? Thats like a value meal at McDonalds....however, to feed the car, multiply that by 13 or in somecases, such as my SUV, 23 times. $92 dollars to fill my SUV's tank!

Anyways, the gas prices these days are making it difficult for me to deliver and still have money left over to spend for the week. Afterall, I do this just for spending money (lunch, gas, groceries). I think that it will soon become more economical to take the taxi to get around town. I wonder why they (the taxi's) don't charge more these days due to the increase fuel costs.

I for one purpose that people who get delivery also pay a premium for delivery. Its only fair. If I had paid more attention in economics class, I'd give you a thorough explanation on why its necessary. Anyways, who's with me on my train of thought here? Delivery guys and gals around the USA should start to demand more from our customers. Customers should be more generous knowing how much it costs to fill our tanks now.

Those people who order food from a place from across town, do us a favor and do not call. Please get food from a LOCAL place. If you ignore this advice, you better be prepared to tip us well, very well!

Remember, times have changed. Hurricane Katrina's timing could not be worst. Gas prices are soaring through the roof and there are outtages in many places. Delivery professionals are paying premiums to get gas for our vehicles to bring you food. The right thing to do as delivery recipients is to adjust your tipping habits to account for the increase in gas prices.

Private Way Asshole!

2005-08-21T20:51:00.000-07:00

So this evening I had a delivery to Belmont Place. Its a small little street, supposedly a "private way", whatever thats supposed to mean. Again, its a small little way, one lane, cars parked on one side. I go all the way to the end to make a delivery...as the lady is filling out the credit card slip (sigh!), another resident drives in. I was nice enough to ask my customer to give me a second to move the car since I'm probably blocking someone. I said "sorry, am I blocking you?". The punk in the red car says "No, but this is a private way". He said it with attitude.

I immediately think, what an asshole. Anyways, thats fine, I understand, he probably had a bad night. I finish up with the delivery and make my way out. its a small tight street so I back into a garage, just like the asshole in the red car did before me to make a 3 point turn. As I approach the end of the street to leave the "private way", the guy gets out of his car and wanted me to stop. He yells "This is a private way, you shouldn't be here, this is a private way, and don't ever use my garage again!". At this point I'm like whatever, I have to get on my way to make up for lost time cause this lady paid with a credit card. As I drive off, I think about what the asshole said and got very mad. I'm thinking to myself, who the fuck does he think he is to tell me I shouldn't be there?!? When a resident from the "private way" orders delivery from me, thats my fucking invitation to go in to your "private way"!! Did that asshole pay the city to make that street just for them or something? Do our excise taxes or whatever fees we citizens pay to use the local streets not include his "private way"? Who the hell does this fucker think HE is?!

I think he's the only mofo with a red car on that small street. I will definitely remember him. I mean, does he not order delivery, ever? What about when mail gets delivered to his house? Does he expect the mail man to not enter the "private way"? Is the asshole going to meet the UPS guy at the end of the street for a package? Ugh, I'm so upset. Should've thought of this earlier and given him a piece of my mind. All I know is that fucker was a asshole to me and he didn't need to be. I dislike him. I hope he finds this blog and reads it....cause I use your fucking garage EVERY fucking time I go into your "private way" asshole!! WTF are you gonna do about it? I'm still gonna use it the next time I'm there. Maybe I'll leave some nails in your garage before I leave so when you use it, you'll get what you deserve.

Thunderstorm Deliveries

2005-08-19T19:55:00.000-07:00

Has anyone else noticed that thunderstorms in the Boston area (Malden, Everett, Quincy) have been especially bad lately? Maybe its where I live. It feels like clouds are clashing right above my house, generating a constant stream of powerful lightning bolts. Even the flashes of lightning have gotten brighter....either that or they are just closer! Hiding under the sheets with the shades down and my eyes closed still reveal a very clear white flash.

Anyways, you probably get that I don't like thunderstorms. Now imagine me delivering chinese food during one of these storms. No matter what I wear, I get wet. Especially this past Sunday when it rained so hard. Usually rain falls in the form of rain drops. Not this past sunday. It came down pouring! Its not easy carrying food and trying to deliver. Oh, did I meantion my door handle on the car is broken?? I can only get into the car through the passenger side. So I go there, open the drivers door from the inside, walk around the car and get in. Do you know how wet that makes me!?! Damn it, dealer says the door handle costs $200 to fix! A freakin' door handle! Absolutely appaling. <- I know I probably mispelled that word.

Anyways, lets not even start to discuss the tips and how people make me wait in the rain for them to open the damn door to pay me. Ugh!! Disgusting, inconsiderate bums!!

Ordering delivery at the restaurant!

2005-08-02T10:30:00.000-07:00

Because I don't enjoy delivering chinese food, I especially despise people that spend 30 minutes on the pay phone outside the restaurant, then walk in and ask for a delivery. WTF!? Why are you asking for delivery? If you're there, just order your food and bring it home with you. Many people don't know this, but chinese food cooks really fast (well, our place does at least). We can put out a combination plate just as fast as the folks at McDonald's and BK. The burners (is that what you call it?) or stoves we have are not like the ones you've got at home. Our woks heat up really fast and they get really hot, so food cooks faster.

Anyways, back to the topic, I don't like it when you come in and order a delivery. You're just pathetic if you do. What excuse do you have? Unless you order over $100 worth of food then there is no reason you can't bring it with you.

BTW, don't you just hate those bathroom stalls where the divider (the thing that stands between you and the dude next to you) is so low that the other guy walks up and just towers over you? It totally defeats the purpose. Maybe we'll see horizontal dividers in the future? That would be funny, LOL!

Change for $100 Bills

2005-07-18T12:37:00.000-07:00

Ok. So its bad enough that I'm expected to have a good inventory of extra duck sauce, mustard, fortune cookies, and chop sticks (Freakin' chop sticks!) in my car. Now, I'm expected to be a bank on wheels! Listen, if you've only got a $100 bill on ya, at least let me know in advance so I can bring you change for that order of chicken fingers for $7.85.

Speaking of which, its only courteous to not order anything under $10 and ask for it to be delivered. You're only taking away time from other customers who are serious about ordering delivery. Oh, and don't get me started on the chumps that order a small egg roll and have to charge it. Its a freaking egg roll that costs $1.85 (tax included). Delivery charge of $1, and you're at $2.85. You don't have $2.85?!? Not even under the seat cushions? You're probably too lazy to check, thats why you ordered delivery.

What to do with time saved

2005-06-22T10:28:00.000-07:00

So you just ordered delivery and you saved yourself probably 20 minutes or so. Based on my experience with y'all, here's some stuff you can do with that time:

1. Shower - This only applies to guys since girls go into the bathroom and don't come out till the next day. This past sunday I delivered food 2 blocks from the restaurant to this dude who must weigh 350 lbs. I shit you not! OMG, once his door opened I nearly passed out. Dude was big and smelly -- not a good combination. I was prepared to offer him a special promotion --> Free bar of soap and big jar of Yankee Candle with delivery.

2. Prepare payment - Get your money ready, please. Common sense should lead you to this. Its not hard. Put yourselves in my shoes. You think theres a band of chinese men out there delivering for the same restaurant and that we have an hour to cater to your cheap lazy ass?

3. Lock up your pets - Do you know how tiring it is to have 20lbs of food in one hand while trying to fend off your pit bull with the other? All while I'm explaining to you how to fill out the damn credit card slip and telling you I don't have chopsticks in the car and I don't know whats in the freakin' bag. Umm...your dog is sniffin me. That ain't cool. Next time, knock the bitch out before you get the door.

Getting shit on the side

2005-06-22T10:27:00.000-07:00

I don't know why y'all insist on getting stuff on the side. Its all I hear at the restaurant..(I do occassionally answer the phone). You either want your sauce on the side, more of it on the side, or something else.

Let me ask you something. Do you go to Dunkin Donuts and ask for whip cream on the side? Do you go to Pizza Hut and ask for pepperoni on the side? WTF makes it okay to get shit on the side from a chinese restaurant then?!?

You know, most chinese restaurants are mom-n-pop types of shops. We don't care how you want it, just give us the money. It sucks that y'all can't return the favor. To prove this, I went and ordered a medium coffee coolatta, or as some of my customers would say, a "mejium" coffee coolatta from dunkin donuts (drive thru). I asked for whip cream on the side and the bitch acts all weird with me. What the hell! I made a simple request for whip cream on the freakin' side!!! We'd do it for you if you asked! Anyways, the girl was just unsure of herself and said we can only put it in with the coffee. Whatever, she's a no0b.

Lazy People!

2005-06-07T10:15:00.000-07:00

So my very first delivery this past sunday was located the next street over. I could've walked, but I decided not to in the interests of saving time for other deliveries. The food was for someone on the 3rd floor of the building. Or, was it the 2nd floor? Can't remember right now.

Anyways, I rang the doorbell, and also tried to see if the front door is unlocked. It wasn't. A minute later I hear someone screaming "Come up!". Little does she know, her front door is locked. I figure it must be me and that the door does open if I tried harder. Nope.

I ring the doorbell again. The lady is still screaming "COME IN!!". A little time passes by and the light bulb finally lit in her head. Duh! I guess she finally realizes that the door downstairs maybe locked. You think she'd come down and open it right? Nope. She sends her 6 year old kid to open the door for a complete stranger who could've grabbed him and run off.

The kid runs down, opens the door, I tell him the total thinking the mother gave him money to give to me and weazle out of a tip. (If this doesn't make sense, read my prior posts about the things people do to avoid paying a tip). Nope, the kid had no money, and I told him the total for no reason. Next thing I hear...."COME UPPP!". Ugh!! At this point, I just wanted to hand her my B!tch of the year award now:

I ran up stairs to give her the food. It was freaking hot out that day so I was already agitated. Of course, she falls into the category of my "generalization" for those that never tip. She gets her other offspring to bring the money over to her and she hands it to me. Her change was 3.75 but I said I don't have any coins, can I just give you $3? She was fine with it. At this point I'm really impressed I earned three whole quarters from her. If it were a even dollar figure, I'm quite positive I'd be leaving with nothing but frustration. My final thoughts of this person was that she is fat, lazy, and stupid. Oh, don't forget CHEAP! If I hear that b!tch scream "Come up!" one more time, I'd......I'm not sure, but it'd be something horrific and you don't wanna be around for that! =)

Do you have chopsticks?

2005-05-22T20:29:00.000-07:00

So I delivered food to this lady tonight and as I walk away from her door, she yells out:

"Are there chopsticks in the bag?"

I shrugged and said I dunno. Did you ask for them? I just deliver lady. So then she asks "Do you have any chopsticks on you?" WTF!! What, cause I'm chinese and I deliver food, I should have a stash of chopsticks with me at all times? Why would I do that? Anyways, I just thought that was one of the most stupid questions asked of me on this job, ever.

By the way, what the hell is it with Americans (Or, non-asians) that they need chopsticks to enjoy chinese food? Y'all don't look good using them! So, why push yourselves and look silly trying? Its not like its easier for you or anything. Admit it. You just wanted something free with your order. As if your constant requests for more duck sauce (aka sweet sauce), soy sauce, and bread wasn't enough. Y'all just want whatever you can get. Your motto: If its free, its for me.

Uh-Oh! Random rant: Why the f*ck doesn't ----- people tip us? They never tip! Sometimes they give you a few cents too little. You guys are just giving yourselves the bad reputation...ain't no one being prejudice or anything. Generalizing is okay for me because I've been doing this since 1996 and time and time again, you prove my generalization right. Good going.

By the way again, some dude congratulated me with a "You're doing a good job"...and gave me a 80 cent tip. The total was $15.20. Dude counts $15 for me, then says, heres another buck just for you cause you're doing a good job. Fuck! Thats 80 cents!! It ain't no dollar! I'll remember your ass for next week.

Ok, let me simmer down and bring myself back...

Oh, did I ever tell you guys how much I hate it when a few minutes before I leave and can stop taking delivery orders, 2 shmucks call in for delivery? Oh, and one of them is in the next town over! Its one thing if you'll tip me well for my troubles, but....

Anyways, I went to KFC to get a 'bucket' for my coworkers today. I go to the drive thru and place my order. I drive up and a few seconds later, I ask my buddy who was nice enough to keep me company most of the day "Wheres the freakin' window?!!"....turns out I drove right by it. This particular KFC doesn't have a standard "regulation" drive thru setup. The booth to place your order came way too soon and the window was too close to it. It was just funny how I had to back up to go back to the window. Eh, you had to be there. Peace.

Door bells and Crazy Muscle Guy

2005-05-09T10:44:00.000-07:00

So this guy's place has almost every unit's doorbells in a column. Its apartment 1 I'm looking for and the top is apartment 20. Obviously, you'd press the bottom bell, without even looking. After you press it, you look further down and there are 3 horizontal door bells....WTF!!?? I actually buzzed apartment 4 instead of apartment 1. So the guy from apartment 4 comes out, buffed and shirtless and goes apeshit on me...saying he's sick of everyone making this mistake and disturbing his beauty sleep.

This is for you buddy:

Stupid! If everyone is making this mistake, then maybe he should take it up with the landlord and have this shit fixed. Its obviously a common and understandble mistake. Its always the big guys that whine and complain the most. Guy swore so much infront of a lady and her son. How pathetic. "L" is for loser. Punk.

If he thought he was being bothered, what about me and the rest of the delivery people? the fucking bells aren't even set up correctly in the building. He obviously doesn't know how troubling this is for dudes like us. Not only do we have to apologize for pressing the wrong bell, dicks like you gotta yell at us for it. Ever since lastnight when this happened, thoughts run through my mind. I get this craving to do a "Ring & RUn" LoL.

Anyways, yesterday was Mothers day and the weather sucked. It sucks not to get a tip. Certain people...you just look at them and know you ain't getting a penny from them. I hate to generalize so I won't speak of this any further.

Top excuses for not getting the door

2005-03-07T09:49:00.000-08:00

I've heard them all...there's always a reason why they don't come down on time to open the door. Sometimes they come down after a few minutes, sometimes they don't come down at all..no matter what you do to get their attention. Here are the steps I, as a professional delivery guy takes to get someone to realize that I have their food downstairs...or that I've arrived.

Ring their door bell and pray it works
Knock really loud on the door
Give them a phone call on my personal cell phone and hope they answer
As a last resort, I'll toot the horn of my car and look up to see if anyone sees me.

What sucks is when all of the above doesn't work and these morons call back 45 minutes later and ask where their food is. Then I have to make a 2nd attempt at delivery. I'm not Fedex or UPS. I do not like to make 2nd or 3rd attempts. Its food. You want delivery and you can't even open the door for me? $%^&*($%##@!

Top excuses when they finally do open the door:

I was in the shower
My door bell doesn't work (why didn't you let us know before hand!!)
I was in the bathroom (doing something other than a shower..ugh!)
I was at the ATM around the corner, I didn't expect you to be here so soon!
I didn't order take out (yes you did. Ask your room mate dip shit!)

If anyone has something to add to this list, please let me know. Theres probably more that I just can't think of, but I'm sure I've heard them all.

Want faster delivery?

2005-03-01T17:48:00.000-08:00

Alright folks. I'm going to reveal the secret to faster delivery. Theres a secret to losing weight, a secret to a killer chili recipe, and ways to secretely live a second life. However, no one has ever revealed the secrets to getting faster delivery.

If your delivery guy takes a full 30 or 45 minutes to make a delivery, that means you're not in his good graces. Something that you have done, or someone else has done in your building has ticked him (or her) off. Believe it or not, if someone in your building tips horribly, or treats them bad, the delivery guy will generalize and assume the entire community is like that. One for all and all for one...err...whatever.

I will now list the things you can do to improve delivery times. If you try all of these and they don't work for you...then you just suck.

Be prepared with the money. Find out how much it costs before the delivery guy arrives and have the money ready, don't ask for change.
Make sure your front light is on and that your doorbell works.
Do not ask the driver to use the backdoor or basement.
Promptly answer the door...come downstairs...meet him at the door. Do this step and your next delivery is automatically 5 minutes quicker...really.
Just to leave on a positive note, seem happy and appreciative for the delivery and show it by leaving a decent tip.

Do the above and delivery times should improve by at least 10 minutes...guaranteed. If it doesn't work, then send me a email so I can respond with "Get a life!".

This past sunday was busy because of the oscars. I go to this house and ring the bell (thank god it worked and the lady came downstairs....feeling good so far). She greets me and asks how much (uh oh!)...I said blah blah blah and blah blah cents. Bitch says okay and goes upstairs to get money (Grrr!). Minutes later, she comes down and gives me the money, as if I had all day to wait for the lazy bitch. So what did I do? I left the door open. I held the door open so all her heat could get out and the coldness could go in...just to give her a taste of what its like waiting for that bitch to count a few bucks. Perfect way to add 10 minutes to your delivery time next time!

Getting delivery with a credit card...don't do it!

2005-02-18T17:29:00.000-08:00

Don't get delivery if you don't have cash!

Gosh, do I hate it when someone places an order and wants to put it on a credit card. Not only do we have to bring you the food, walk up your stairs to your door...but now we gotta act like the credit company and check your credit.

How do we do deliveries with credit cards? You place your order and give us your credit card information. We run it through and bring you the slips. Due to the amount of fraud, we are now required to make carbon copies of your cards, in addition to the regular signature required. This takes time. We have to find a flat surface, put your card beneath the slip and run our pen across the top to get the imprint.

Another reason we hate credit card orders? Most of you do not leave a tip. You act stupid by asking dumb questions like, where do I sign? You freakin' sign at the line you ass. Most of you act all busy and all and just sign it and let me go....without leaving a tip. Fuck you too bitch!

Once again, don't do it. Use your credit card for a delivery and forever be cursed under our breaths. For those that care, leave a BIG tip and we'll forget all about it.

A delivery charge is NOT a tip!

2005-02-17T09:16:00.000-08:00

For those of you out there who think a delivery charge is a replacement for a tip, you couldn't be more wrong. Although there is a charge for delivery, you should still provide a generous tip for your service provider. I hate it when you guys ask if the delivery charge goes to me or the restaurant. What difference does it make? if it goes to me, you won't give me a tip?!?

Don't piss off your delivery guy! After all, we do know where you live! Not that we'll come and throw toilet tissue around your yard, but the next time you call for delivery, we'll be suspiciously busy and delivery could take about 45 minutes...dig?

Apartment complexes suck

2005-02-15T12:12:00.000-08:00

They are the worst. You need to find the right buzzer or key in their code, then wait for them to buzz you in. Then you gotta wait for the elevator and run to their door. One more time..apartment complexes suck. Delivery guys hate them.

This past sunday, I delivered to this new complex at the next town over. Its bad enough I gotta go to the next town over, but thats another topic for another day. Theres no visitor parking, so I just double park illegally. Then I do that whole buzzing me in thing and when I finally get in, it takes 15 minutes to get to the damn door of the dude!

Stop and think about how behind I am now...I'm in the next town over and I'm the only delivery guy on a night when prime time television is at its best. 15 minutes to his door and another 15 back, then another 15 to get back to the restaurant....ugh!! (tip: always tip well when ordering from the next city over. Better yet, don't order from the next city over!).

Anyone out there have a bad experience to share? either as a delivery person or the receiver of delivery?

2005 Grammy Awards Night

2005-02-13T20:27:00.000-08:00

It was a good night of delivery today...probably due to the 47th Annual Grammy Awards. Tips were good tonight, probably out of sympathy because they realized how busy I was. There were waits of 1 hour for chinese food. I haven't had such a decent tipping night since 2 years ago...maybe. Every day should be like today. I was busy from the moment I walked in the door to work and it didn't stop until it was time to go home. Luckily for me, I was able to leave semi ontime tonight. Usually someone calls at the last minute of delivery hours so I'd be forced to wait for the food to cook and make the delivery. Tonight it was different.

One thing that pissed me off was the people from the next city over ordering food from us. 2 of them from the other city ordered at the same time and they are on different ends of the city where I deliver!!

Do you have any idea what this does to a delivery guy!?! Keep in mind that we only have one delivery guy per day...running around 2 cities makes everyone else wait. It throws off my schedule for the rest of the day. No matter, today was a decent tipping day. If it weren't, this post would be rated R for heavy profanity. Peace.

Visit my other web site: http://www.JohnnyYu.com/

The Don'ts of Delivery

2005-02-11T20:52:00.000-08:00

Violate any of these conditions and forever be last in our chain of delivery. You will have to wait the full estimated time for delivery. Your order will arrive messy as if it was delivered from a dump truck.

Do not take your time to open the door.
Do not expect us to bring the food up stairs if you live in a complex or apartment building. Its delivery...that means we bring it to the front door of your residence...not into your living room, not into your dining room. Most of you fuckers leave the lights off in the stairway. Otherwise, we'd be nice and bring it up to your door from time to time.
Do not ask for change if the change is less than $1. We did provide a service...throw us a freakin' bone will'ya?
Do not send your children down to open the door and give us money just so we'd have to give them all of the change back and not hold it against them for not leaving us a tip. We do know that you scumbags are behind this cheap way of avoiding a tip. Believe me, we curse at you so much and make a mental note of this. You suck.
Do not prepare money after we tell you how much it costs. You should've had this ready...and if not, we shouldn't have to wait around while you and your 5 buddies sort out the exact breakdown of each person's portion of the bill.
Do not ask us to go around back to meet you. Delivery guys hate going to the back. You should meet us out front. If anything you should look into investing in a front door. Home Depot, you can do it, they can help.
Do not ask if we can go next door to the convenience store to pick up milk, lottery, or cigarettes. Its bad enough we have to bring you food for next to nothing and put up with your non-lit house and long stairways...we do not want, nor do we need additional shit to bring over.
Do not take your sweet time opening the door.
Do not ask us to wait...we hate waiting. We had to bring the food to you and still have to wait for you?!?
Do not ask us if so and so is in the bag...how the fuck would I know. Get this into your head, I just deliver!

The Do's of Delivery

2005-02-11T20:26:00.000-08:00

Listen up! If you want your food FRESH and HOT then these laws must be obeyed. Act appropriately and forever be in our good graces. This usually results in faster and friendlier service.

Do ask for the total before hanging up (and have the money ready).
Do leave the light on outside your front door.
Do let us know if your door bell doesn't work!
Do pick up the phone when we call because you didn't tell us your bell doesn't work.
Do come outside to greet us with the money promptly. We do have other orders to deliver too, you dumb motherfuckers. I hate you bastards who are on the phone and take forever to come down...thinking its just you that we need to deliver to..fuck you! (Don't call again).
Most importantly, do give us a tip. Its a service and we don't have to bring food to your lazy ass.
Do be generous with tips. A delivery charge is NOT a tip. Write that down...a delivery charge is NOT a tip you moron! We tend to remember those who treat us well, and those who don't so becareful.
Do let the restaurant know BEFOREHAND if you plan on using a credit card. Some people think I've got a modem on me and some how I'm hooked up to the credit card company and that I have a credit card slider...WTF!! F'ing n00bs!
Do restrain your pets. We may like pets, but we do not like doggie drool. And the barking....ugh!
During winter, do shovel and salt a path to your door.

Delivery Guy's Background

2005-02-11T19:20:00.000-08:00

I have been delivering chinese food since 1996 for a small city just north of Boston, MA. I absolutely hate my job. Why? Because it sucks. You may think its cool and fun driving around a car all day and "just" bringing food to various houses all day...but I beg to differ! Oh shit do I differ!!

Why am I so miserable when I deliver? Because the people who call in for delivery have no idea how to treat the delivery guy, or the "delivery cycle". Lets go through the delivery cycle:

*You decide you want chinese food.
*You pick out your order (Gosh do I hate it when you call and say "Ummm...I think I want a....no, change that....give me a...Ummm....")
*We take your order down and prepare and package it for delivery.
*Delivery guy gathers orders to go out.

Here is where you callers have an opportunity to make things good or bad. Usually, or at least where I deliver, you are bad, very bad!

There are maybe 10 simple things that I'd like to ask you all to do when placing a delivery order. I will cover those in my next post.